Bridget McNulty

The Languages of Love…

// March 7th, 2008 // Life (and the living of it), Love

Perhaps the most essential piece of information I learnt in high school was that there are Five Languages of Love. I can honestly say it’s the knowledge I’ve referenced most since then, and it’s been profoundly helpful in my relationships – romantical and otherwise.

In essence, it’s a way to translate other people.

The Love Languages are based on a book by Dr. Gary Chapman (check out his website on www.fivelovelanguages.com), a rather insightful fellow who outlined the five different ways that people express love. They are (in simplified form):

1. Physical affection.

2. Words.

3.  Quality time.

4. Doing chores.

5. Giving gifts.

Generally, you’ll have one dominant language that you use to express love, with another one as your subsidiary language. What’s so interesting is that usually people will find some of the other languages quite strange…. Mine, for example, is giving gifts. It doesn’t have to be anything big, sometimes it’s just a note or a chocolate, or something I’ve made. But as soon as I hear that one of my friends is distressed, my first thought is always, ‘What can I give them?’

To some people, this will be a little odd. I can see that! The one I find strangest is the doing chores language. Is this anyone’s primary language? Can they explain it to me please? I must admit I’ve never had a boyfriend who likes doing chores as a way to express his love! (It might be quite nice, actually – I’m not a big fan of washing up…)

It can be really difficult when you and your partner have different love languages. To me, no matter how much affection and love I get from someone, if I’m having a bad day and I don’t get a little something at the end of it, I don’t feel loved. It sounds so silly! I can recognise that. But it’s true. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive, just a little physical manifestation of love. Like yesterday, when I walked a friend to my gate and saw a bright yellow smiley face balloon tied to it. Or last week, when my most loved boyfriend arrived with a heart shaped cookie for me. It’s little things, but they speak volumes.

Chapman’s website lets you take a 30 second test that tells you which Love Language is yours. Do it! I really think it can make a profound difference in any relationship. Maybe you’ve always thought a friend didn’t really care for you because they only ever wanted to hang out and didn’t want to talk. But their Love Language could be Quality Time, and they could be thinking the quick chats you love are totally meaningless… Once you understand someone, you can speak to them in their language. Which, in turn, fills them up so they speak to you in yours.

We live in such a disjointed world. Communication is, at the best of times, a little tricky. But how wonderful to be given even a small glimpse into someone else’s head, and heart. It’s a little bit like being blessed with x-ray vision! And who wouldn’t love that?