Two reasons actually, one lovely and one sad.

First the lovely (because all the pictures relate to it).
Last weekend my man and I had our engagement party. It was wonderful! Such a celebration. We had a garden party at our dear friends’ house, and served all kinds of cake, and mojitos. The sun shone, loads of our friends came (some from Durban!) and my whole family was there (half of them imported from Durban for the weekend). Three dear friends stayed with us over the long weekend, and we ate pizza and picknicked in the forest and laughed. A lot.
The night after the engagement party, the three girls came home, changed into our pyjamas, rented a stupid-funny movie and ate take-out. Fun fun fun.

It was a really wonder-full weekend.

The sadness comes in because at the beginning of the week we found out that the girlfriend of one of my man’s best friends committed suicide. Only now they can’t find a cause of death, so it’s possible it might have been a really severe asthma attack. So so sad. She was only 22, but she was bipolar and had had a really hard year. Still, to have life snatched away (or given away) at such a young age just makes my heart ache. As much for the people who are left behind as for the poor girl herself (I didn’t know her that well, I know him really well). And there’s just nothing you can say, you know? No way to make it better. It’s really just a matter of letting time heal.

So it was an unusual week: so full of happiness and so full of sadness. It’s taken me some time to process all of it.
What I’m left with, though, is this feeling of gratitude for so many things in my life. When I first found out that she had killed herself, I thought, “What about ice cream?” What about sunsets and cups of tea on the verandah and long walks in nature and really funny TV and going to the movies and fresh avo on toast and bear hugs and waking up next to the one you love and long silences and laughing till you cry and the quiet of early morning?

But of course, if you’re severely depressed you’re not thinking of these things. I get that.
But it has made me reassess how much I love in my life. What do you love?

So last week I bought my first car! What a day. I managed to go twenty-seven and a half years without owning a car, but the threat of a Cape Town winter with only my scooter for transport was enough to get me to succumb…

This morning I drove to work for the first time. Outside it was cold and drizzly, with a wind blowing and freezing cold drops of rain hitting the windshield. Inside the car, I was warm and toasty, listening to classical music and entirely at peace with the world.

And it made me realise that I have a unique perspective on driving, from not having done so much of it. People cutting in front of me, bad drivers, super-slow crawlers, sure I find them irritating. But not extremely, gut-wrenchingly annoying. And I think this is because I haven’t been exposed to them that much.

I actually found my slow drive to work (in morning traffic) extremely restful. Warm interior! Classical music! Not getting wet!

These are things to be grateful for.

How do you feel about driving? (How long do you think I’ll feel this Zen about it?)

If you’re looking for an instant feel-good hit, check out this video.  (And this picture, how cute is that baby?)
What a pleasure!

And the perfect way to get yourself turned back downstream… Allow me to elaborate:
I had a very admin-full morning today, lots of things to do and people to chat to and meetings to co-ordinate. And by lunchtime I was starting to feel, if not grumpy, then at least a little gritchy. My To Do List for lunch involved two nasty errands: dropping off my tax forms at SARS (the South African Revenue Service) and returning a broken phone, without the original box or receipt.
Yack! What a combo.

So I made sure to get myself in the zone before I ate my lunch. I watched the video (above, again, watch it, now) and got goosebumps. I thought about what a beautiful day it is, how much I love Fridays, how lucky I am.

And then I went to the SARS offices. Where they told me I had to come back next week because the wait time was over 2 hours. I didn’t freak out, asked if I could check if I had all my forms, and spoke to a wonderful lady at Reception who took all my forms and told me I didn’t have to come back, I could just call and get my tax number next week! Amazing.
And then, as if I even need to say this, I went to Telkom and they gave me a new phone no problem…

So when I say getting in the zone makes everything go your way, I really, really mean it. Try it – and let me know how it goes.

Photo: CharlotteSpeaks

I’m not very good at waiting.

In fact, I’m pretty terrible at it. My impatient nature combined with my control-freak tendencies means I’m always wanting to sink my teeth into things, without waiting for other people to do their part. This is not a very good part of my character, I can accept that. And I’m working on it.

But I am also learning to accept other things. In fact, I’m working on the gentle art of acceptance.

We found out this morning that one of the major sponsors we were hoping would come on board doesn’t have the necessary budget to help us out. A lot of this journey towards the journey has been knocking on doors and understanding that some open and some remain stubbornly shut… But I must admit I was really disappointed when this one didn’t fly open. There’s still a chance that they’ll be able to help us out on a smaller level (sponsoring our air tickets and an iPhone so we can record our daily video snippets), but it looks like we’ll now be choosing Plan B.

Plan B is still extremely exciting, just in a different way. Instead of 16 countries for 2 to 3 weeks each, we’ll do 9 countries for a month each – and stick to South-East Asia and South America (the countries where our savings will last us longer!) We’ll be roughing it more, but more open to adventure and new experiences (as there won’t be any time constraints). We’ll get to fully experience two beautiful parts of the world. And if a major sponsor decides to climb on board while we’re away, we can always add in some of the other countries we’re going to be missing. Or that can be Journey 2. Or Journey 3. The plan is to keep doing this as long as we can!

The overriding feeling I have from this, though, is that it’s time for me to walk the talk. I keep saying that life always gives you exactly what you need, and that in retrospect everything always turns out for the best, and sometimes we just can’t see what is best for us from our limited present outlook. Now it’s time to trust in that, to trust in the flow of life. I need to learn to stop micro-managing everything, to trust that if you have the best intentions (and I really do, this cause is something I deeply believe in) that life will give you just what you need.
Only sometimes what that is will look a little different to what you expected it to be.

I’m excited about this journey! Literally and figuratively. I’m excited to challenge myself, to discover new things about life, and love, to explore this crazy world of ours. I’m excited for whatever lies ahead, down the river, around the bend, whatever it is I can’t quite see from here…

PS – Should anyone have any contacts with airlines or big companies who like diabetics or iPhone people, please don’t hesitate to get in touch!

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, global warming. In a word (or two).
You see, NYC is not usually wet or rainy in June – it’s summer, it should be deliciously sunny. But the weather has been a little crazy of late, and the craziness did not work in my favour… The forecasts said scattered thundershowers would hit at 6pm. They hit at 2.30pm. My reading was at 3pm.

We’d already baked delicious cupcakes, by this stage (chocolate with vanilla icing and mini M&Ms… yummy!)

And we’d figured out how to transport them across town on the subway (by buying a couple of doughnut boxes from the doughnut store across the road)…

When we exited the subway, it was breezy and warm, and we thought we’d missed the morning rain and were going to miss the evening storms. But when we arrived at Central Park…

The heavens opened. It poured. Bucketed. Deluged us with rain. So that anyone in their right mind, looking out the window in the hour before the reading and deciding whether to come to an outdoor event in the park, would have decided against it (I was already there, so I couldn’t change my mind!)

Still, I had a couple of extremely loyal friends who decided to brave the weather, most notably my Number One Fan, Jess (in her handmade t-shirt)…

Once we realised that the rain was not going to let up any time soon, we traipsed off through the park handing out free cupcakes. It was so much fun! I started off on the baseball field, and people came flocking towards me when they heard the magical word ‘cupcake’ (combined with the equally magical word ‘free’)… and then we walked through the park and I approached people and asked if they wanted a cupcake. They were either totally delighted, or looked a little scared. It was very amusing!

We ended up in a Starbucks (because it was warm, cosy, and quintessentially American)…

Where I gave a short reading, after all…

It was, to all intents and purposes, a complete disaster. But it was a really fun disaster! As I led my merry band of wet friends through the park, handing out cupcakes, I was loving it! It was great fun.

Now, this could have been because I’d had an amazing hour-long interview on Cosmo Radio the day before, and I felt as if I’d already done my bit for book marketing; or because it was the end of a really wonderful three week friend tour all over the East Coast of the USA; or even because I have recently realised that I don’t like organising publicity stuff for myself any more (give me online stuff to do and I’m happy, organise something for me to do and I’m even happier, but don’t put me in charge please!)

It might even be that I am slowly, ever so slowly, learning to let go and see where life takes me. That I am finally learning to be a bit more easy-going and not trying to control everything. Whatever the reason, I had myself an extremely fun disaster of A Reading in Central Park.

This time, however, I’m packing in style.

Mainly because I have what is without a doubt THE most beautiful suitcase I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I was never excited about a suitcase before I saw this one… Take a look:

It’s a chocolate brown Samsonite. With all kinds of cool little bags to put things in. I think I’m in love! It has four wheels (instead of two) so it slides along so smoothly (I was dancing with it yesterday!), it’s virtually indestructible (I’ll be testing that out!) and it is just so lovely to look at… Really.

Still, I had a mound of things to pack into it. Gifts for seven people I’m staying with, book gifts of Strange Nervous Laughter, and 3 weeks worth of clothing… Not to mention the diabetes supplies, toiletries, accessories and mini juices! (in case my blood sugar goes low). I’m not kidding when I say there was a mound of stuff to pack:

And all into one little (lovely) suitcase!
Never fear… I had a secret weapon. They’re called Vac Bags and I’d never heard of them till yesterday, but they totally saved my life. Basically, they squeeze all the air out of your clothing, so that it ends up taking up the minimum amount of space possible. Genius!

So all of that, turned into:

This! Hardly anything.

Which meant that instead of sitting on my suitcase, sweating, trying to fit everything in and feeling my heart rate shoot through the roof, I could simply place my bags of clothes into my suitcase, and calmly go about my business. Best of all, this means I’m not going to have to repack my suitcase every time I need to get something out (my naturally messy nature usually means that if I try to get one dress out of a suitcase, the whole suitcase ends up on the floor). Nope, now I shall be calm and tidy, and simply undo the bag I need, while leaving the rest tidy. Fabulous!

Now, you might be wondering why I care so much about how easy or difficult packing a suitcase is, but it feels like it’s indicative of the whole trip. I used to get really stressed and dramatic about leaving home for the States (I was too young, it was fraught with emotion) and this is the first time I’m going happily and excitedly. I’m older, hopefully wiser, and a lot more calm and centered, and being able to pack with such ease bodes extremely well for three weeks of happiness in the USA!

I’ll still be blogging as much as possible, although not every day, so check back often to see how the trip is going!

I said to him that we’ve sent out all these proposals for funding for our Round the World trip (read more about it here) and that now we’re just waiting to hear back from people… not really my forte, waiting and patience and all that.

And he said, “Well, obviously you have to wait – you have to wait for the fish to come to you. You throw out your net, and then you wait for the fish to swim into it. It’s no good jumping in the water and trying to catch the fish with your hands, you’ll just get tangled in the net. If you’re fishing in the right spot, you just throw it in and wait.”

Huh. Makes sense, doesn’t it?

It’s not a new idea, but I recently watched an amazing DVD by the very inspiring Esther Hicks which gave it a new angle… From her perspective, going downstream isn’t being passive and letting life take you wherever it wants (which I don’t like), but consciously moving in the direction of what feels right and intuitively good (which I do like).

Sometimes, of course, we have to do things we don’t want to do, but there’s a way of doing it upstream (whining, complaining, dragging your feet) and a way of doing it downstream (accepting that it needs to be done and trying to see the up-side hidden in it). Easier said than done, it’s true! Complaining can be such fun. But everything we want is downstream, and if we can just stop paddling in the opposite direction to what it is we want, we’ll feel a lot more relief, a lot more joy, and a lot less angst. Or, in her words, “As long as you’re turned in opposition to what you want, you’re not going to close the gap between where you are and where you want to be.”

This doesn’t mean that if you stop harping on about what you don’t like or what frustrates you, you’ll instantly turn in the opposite direction, of course. It’s not a quick-fix angst-to-joy solution. But it is a route to feeling better, and the key is to be on the lookout for that moment of relief, when you can feel your ‘boat’ turning from battling upstream to flowing downstream.

Practically, what does this mean? Well, take yesterday, for example. Our internet was bust and I had a whole day of online book marketing work to do (i.e. work that required the internet!) My man was grumpy because he had too much work to do. And our toilet wouldn’t stop leaking. Never mind the insistent drill in the background. I could feel myself getting steadily more and more agitated, and starting to tell myself stories in my head (you know, the “Why does it all happen at the same time? It never rains but it pours!” story. It’s a popular one!)
And then I thought, wait! I’m going upstream! I have to find a way to go downstream. So I did a 15 minute guided meditation (that my best friend gave me and that I absolutely love). Then I lay in my hammock and listened to one of my favourite Sigur Ros tracks, a perfect blend of soothing and inspiring. And then I put on some loud sing-along songs (Belle and Sebastian works like a charm) and danced around the flat for a few minutes.

And what do you know? New perspective! No problem.

So I’m curious… When you find yourself going upstream (feeling irritated / angry / frustrated / anxious) what helps you go downstream?

We were booked to go on Thursday morning, but when we woke up it was cloudy and raining and we had to reschedule… The next few days were similar weather, so we booked again for Monday lunchtime. Monday dawned bright and clear in Durban, but not in Pietermaritzburg, 45 minutes away, where the skydiving was.

We waited in hopeful anticipation all afternoon, but alas! No break in the weather. And this morning I flew back to Cape Town. How disappointing!

The thing is, sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to. And you can whine and complain and bash fists against foreheads (if that’s your vibe) but it won’t change anything. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to happen now – for any number of reasons.

Acceptance is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow, no?

So Durban was lovely, as always, although much of it was spent in hospital with my dad, poor guy, who had a horrible back operation and is slowly recovering… I really do have the most extraordinary family, you only really notice when things are difficult, hey?

And now I’m back in Cape Town, with my lovely man. I think I need some kind time for myself, and I know I need to put my head down and get some work done! I’ll be back blogging soon, though, never fear…

“How do you ever get the truth to be more the way you want it to be? You’ve just got to start beating the drums of truth the way you want it to be—and when you do, you will immediately feel good. And there are those who might say, “Oh, you’re not facing the fact.” And we say, we would never face any fact that was taking us to a place we don’t want to be.

There are those who believe that the world is getting more and more desperate. We are here to tell you that the world is getting better and better, and better, and that every experience you have causes you to launch rockets of desires, and Source comes in response to those rockets. And the best thing about your birth and death is that the resistant ones die and the allowing ones are born. And with this combination of contrast that keeps you launching new and new desires, it’s no wonder that the Universe is expanding in this marvelous way and that life is getting better, in every day—and in this moment—for everyone who insists on focusing there.”