// September 28th, 2008 // 5 Comments » // Decisions, Inspiration, Life (and the living of it)
I’m going to have to apologise in advance for not blogging at all this week.
I’m off on a trip, you see. A trip completely out of my comfort zone. Quite literally. Off to Joburg today (Monday) and then tomorrow morning (Tuesday) I’m being fetched by a tour guide who will take me on a four day one-on-one trip (for work). We’re going to some amazing places – Kruger Park, Swaziland and St Lucia – before heading down to Durban, where I’ll spend a week at home with my dad. That bit I’m looking forward to
The four days preceding it, not so much.
It’s just that it’s four days alone with a stranger. And yes, we’ll be working and he’s going to be telling me stories which I’ll record to write about later (and turn into audio tours for GPS systems – an extremely pleasant way of paying the bills). But it’s an awfully long time and an awfully long distance to be travelling.
I’ve spoken about this trip with many people (I’ve known about it for weeks) and the opinion on it seems to be pretty evenly divided down the middle.
Half the people I tell say, “Oh shame! What a hard life you live! You get an all-expenses-paid trip to some of the most beautiful country South Africa has to offer!”
The other half says, “The trip itself will be cool… But there won’t be too much personal space. I wouldn’t want to do it.”
And this is what gets me. In a car all day, then eating dinner, then eating breakfast and in a car all day, etc…
The problem is, of course, that I’ve crafted my life here at home too perfectly. I get to be alone all day except for when I want to meet friends for tea or lunch, or when I have friends over for reiki, or when I choose to chat to people on the phone. Sometimes I have meetings, but only ever when I schedule them. I spend evenings and weekends with people I love. I work in my own time, to my own schedule. It’s fabulous! So deeply comfortable. Which is all great, until you need to step out of your comfort zone, and then? It’s terrifying. But as a very wise friend advised me, it’s all very well knowing who you are when you’re in a comfortable place, but knowing who you are in an unknown place is the real challenge…
Of course, this trip is also linked to all my big issues: leaving home, being out of control (I didn’t plan any of it, I have no idea what to expect), being in unfamiliar territory and not being independent. Pretty much all my emotional buttons. You know there are certain things that elicit an instant emotional response from you? I call them emotional buttons (things that you hope won’t be pushed). These are mine.
What’s interesting is that my main emotional button used to be being alone. These days, I could gladly spend a week alone and not think twice about it. But put me in a potentially awkward situation for a sustained period of time, and I start worrying…
And yes, I know. Worrying is like a rocking chair – it keeps you busy but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
I know that it’s a complete waste of time to imagine what it will be like because I have no idea what it will actually be like.
I know that all I can do in a situation like this is to be calm and clear and present in myself, and then no matter what happens I will be able to deal with it.
But lordy lord! That is hard to remember.
So I’ve prepared as much as I possibly can. I’ve written down a list of Pros and Cons and balanced them out (which is supposed to neutralize the fear – fear is expecting the future to be worse than the present). I’ve spent a lot of quiet alone time and time with my man so that I’m feeling emotionally refreshed. I’ve bought fruit and biscuits for the car, and a Phil Collins Greatest Hits CD to listen to at night (it’s no-fail-happy-music, dorky as it might be!)
I have acknowledged that it’s time to face up to my fears and do something that makes me totally uncomfortable.
And I’ll report back at the end of the week!
Wish me luck!!
